Sex and Teenage Women..Must Read from guest mentor Chris Lovejoy

The secret to a good life is good choices. Relationships are complicated and physical relationships are even more so. Sex feels good and that is good. But is that really the best way to decide if having a sexual relationship is right for us?

The fact is, once a we go through puberty, we receive the gift of adulthood. Not only are our bodies mature and able to respond sexually and to carry children, but we also receive the gifts of creativity and of abstract reasoning. I say “gifts” because we do not work for these things. They just happen and they are wonderful when used together with our good judgment and responsible decision making skills.

Unfortunately, the area of our brains that contain our capacity for judgment does not fully develop until we are in our early twenties…which is pretty important for us to know.

Luckily, when I say fully develop, I stress the word “fully”…we do develop, it is a process and it happens over time. We can make good decisions, but we must be fully aware that we will make mistakes and those mistakes can be WHOPPERS!

I mean, these mistakes can be life altering, like having a sexual relationship when we are not ready for it, or worse, when we truly do not want it and feel like we were forced into it either physically or by coercion. When we feel tricked or intimidated into these situations, it is confusing. We can feel as though we have been violated and yet think it was our own fault or choice. Sometimes we cover up by acting like we liked it, even bragging. Sometimes we continue to put ourselves in this type of position because we feel like we have made our bed… and now we have to have sex in it. But we don’t. It is never too late to make good choices for ourselves.

We can avoid a lot of these mistakes. The trick is to think things through ahead of time and to formulate boundaries that we are comfortable with. For some of us, our parents set these boundaries and talk us through scenarios to help us process potential risks. But others of us are not so lucky and we must do this for ourselves. Another secret to a good life is good decisions . We cannot make these decisions well if we have not thought them through.

The problem with making decisions on the spot, without forethought, is that sex feels good. Physical contact feels good, too. We are with another and they rub our back or kiss our neck and suddenly we are feeling really good. Let’s be very clear: THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE SEX! Of course we will want to, it feels good. But, there is much more involved, especially for females.

To start out, when females have an orgasm, our bodies eject a hormone into our systems that is the same hormone that is ejected when we give birth. It causes us to feel nurturing toward the baby or in this case, toward the person we are having sex with. Men do not have this physical reaction, which is why they tend to roll over or turn on the TV after sex. This hormone causes us to feel a sort of “blind” love. We are less able to see the other’s faults and we become very attached to the person.

Now, this comes in handy after 20 years of marriage, a little blindness goes a long way. But, do we really want to be blinded to another’s faults early in a relationship? Or do we want to get to know them and truly know that we care for them for who they are before we allow ourselves to fully attach and be “blindly” in love?

Another problem is that, as females, our bodies are much more susceptible to infections and disease from multiple partners. Even when we practice safe sex with a single partner, we can still get urinary tract infections and other types of infections. We need to be in a relationship with someone who cares enough to work through these situations and who will make changes when necessary to protect our bodies. We need to be close enough to talk about these things.

Lastly, some of us do not have close relationships with our families and really want a close relationship. We crave affection and we crave the feeling of being loved. This is hard stuff to deal with and all I can say is that we are probably not going to find the parents we need in our relationship; nor should we because it gives the other person too much power in our lives. We need to find ways to deal with what we are not getting at home, learn skills to take care of ourselves, before our choices in another will be good ones.

Be that as it may, once we know all of this, we can start to think about the decisions we have to make. We begin thinking through what we want in life and how a relationship fits into that. We think about whether we want to be in a relationship, whether we want to have a physical relationship and how physical we want that relationship to be. We try to consider the ramifications – pregnancy happens, how does that fit in? Attachment happens, how does that fit in?

When we have thought these things through, we think about actual situations. Dating: do I feel comfortable going alone or am I more comfortable in groups? Should I meet the person at the place or do I feel comfortable being alone in their car with them? Do I go to private places – their house when their parents are not there, parking in an isolated place – or do I feel more comfortable in public?

If I have decided not to have a physical relationship right away or at all, I make sure I am not alone with the person when no one else is going to be around for awhile. I make my intentions clear to the other person, so that they are not putting pressure on me when I am alone with them and leave if they disrespect my decision by pressuring me. I decide these things ahead of time, so that it is less likely that I will make a decision on the spot, one that does not match my ideals and that might actually hurt me. I try not to put myself in a situation where I can be hurt.

Another thing to think about is our behavior in group situations. If I am going to a party, how well do I know the people there? Can I trust the people there? If not, do I have someone with me that I can trust who will watch out for me? Can I check in with someone throughout the night? Liking a group of people is not the same thing as being able to trust them. This is especially true if the group is above us on the social ladder because there is an intimidation factor that can mess up our decision making.

Also, it is important to recognize that adding alcohol to a situation will definitely impair our decisions, even if it is just a little alcohol. When we make the very poor decision to do drugs or to drink alcohol when we are underage, we need to at least make the good decision to have someone watch us closely who will not be drinking or doing any drugs.

Making right decisions takes thinking about them ahead of time and setting boundaries for ourselves. It means getting to know what we want and need in our lives before we take on the complication of another person. And we are totally worth that time.

Chris Lovejoy is a well-read mother of three daughters. She has an undergraduate degree in Chemistry, a graduate degree in Muslim-Christian Relations and is very interested in child development, especially in the transition from childhood to adulthood. She was a mentor for a pregnant teen program and also has mentored several teens through their religious confirmation programs.

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